Sarah's Joyous Death
by Johannas mirror
Summary: I had so much cathartic fun writing this. It's been four years since I did it, and you know what? I'm still every bit as immature and bratty as I was then. I still love this.
1. The Push

Yeah, I hate her. This isn't especially good writing, but it's fun. Hey, whatever I need to do, right?

---

A mournful wind slid through the kerchif that hid the split-end free hair of Sarah Jacobs as she looked down from her lofty perch on the edge of the Brooklyn Bridge. Her limpid eyes were even wetter then usual in the foggy morning air, and she was pondering her life and the meaning of her existence.

(Captain obvious: You have no meaning. You should NOT exhist!)

"WOE, oh WOE IS ME!" Sarah cried melodramatically as the people continued to walk past. Each one was praying that she would just jump already. She had been there most of the morning, wailing, weeping, and generally carrying on. They were getting ready to fry whatever thoughtless author had decided to take out her substantial anger on the poor girl. That, or hurry her end along.

"They will miss me when I am gone!" she moaned, sounding suspiciously like a banshee. "When my lifeless cadaver washes up on the banks of the Upper New York Bay, they will weep for my semi-departed soul!" she paused for dramatic effect then continued, much to the ire of those trying to go about their business. "My brothers will mourn…well…Les might, and surely Jack, my true love, will be heart broken! But I can no longer live in such a world!"

(Captain obvious: Then why are you still here?)

A feminine sigh tore from between the girl's lips, chapped from being on the bridge all morning, as she steeled herself for the jump. Taking a dramatic step forward, she closed her eyes as though she would, any minuet, leap to her death. The expressions of those on the bridge lightened visibly.

Suddenly a strong hand shot out, pushing the Annoying Sarah Jacobs into a premature plummet to her death. A relieved sigh went up around the bridge, though being New Yorkers, no one made eye contact, as Spot Conlon dusted off his hands. "She was defaming my bridge." He muttered, though secretly, even the rough-and-tumble Spot had been ready to cut off his ears at the infernal racket.

Sara Jacobs is no more. Yay.

---

Reviews/flames/whatever welcome. Please let me know.


	2. RIP

**On a TOOMBSTONE!!**

Okay, I got a ton of mixed reviews about the first chapter of this. I want to mix it up again. I really like getting honest hatred. It's refreshing.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Here Lies Sarah Jacobs

Well not really, she _fell_ off the bridge.

But here's where she's SUPPOSED to lie.

Er…not that she lied while she was living

I never have understood that

She did make a rather lot of doilies

But that's not yet been proven to be evil

Yet

Anyhow, may she rest in peace.

Though fishes will probably eat her

Pieces.

Its no concern of mine

I just carve the headstones. Who GAVE

Me this job?

OoOoOoOoOoOoOo

This has got to be the most fun i have had in soooo long!

REVIEW!!! SOCK IT TO ME!!! (PINK SOX WILL BE THROWN BACK WITH PNEMONIA GERMS!!!


	3. Sincere Satire

Public Apology Letter….Thing

Dear Newsies Community,

Recently, I opened my front door to a large gathering of very angry girls. Most of them had doilies. It appears that not only have I offended the SARAH IS MY HEROIN group, but the DOILIES OF AMERICA federation was up in arms against my recent atrocity.

Through a series of calm and mature meetings where we discussed in a civilized and entirely un-brutal manner, the depth of my ineptitude, illiteracy, and evil, evil soul, it was decided that my sins might be graciously and nobly forgiven if a public apology was issued to the entirety of for all of you who love the doily queen, long may she live, and for all of you who were grievously mislead by my news bulletin claiming her unspeakable death, and even for those of you who's only qualm was against my de-characterization of the beloved Sarah Jacobs, I apologize. I hang my head in shame for my defamation. I cry tears of deepest shame at the cruel and despicable way in which I portrayed and spitefully ended Ms. Jacobs' life.

This is a sorrow and a deed for which I will never forgive myself.

With deep and sincere repentance,

Johanna


End file.
